Hello world it is I. It has been a while since I have posted and I have a few ideas as to why I have waited so long. School has been crazy but not totally unmanageable. Life has been busy but I still have some down time. Yet if I am being honest I feel beaten down. I don't want to go out or explore  or be creative. I just what to sit in silence or go to sleep. I get angry or frustrated about little things. I forget everything including what day it is. I have caught myself leaving the house in sweats or just dressing like a general homeless person. I eat cereal or soup so I won't have to cook and doing things that I love has become burdensome.



I am standing on the threshold of depression. Then I thought...why? Why am I letting myself be and feel this way when I know there is so much life to seen and get excited about? Why am I comparing myself to those around me? I am not them and they will never be me. Why am I letting the words of others control or determine my mood or out look? Words like "your behind" " graduating late" "never going to make it". Again they are not me. Everyone moves at their own pace and gets where they need to go on Gods time to serve His purpose. I also realized I am letting my life controlled by my education! Since when do I care if I fit within societies norms. I was not made for school, school was made for me. 

This has been a big month for me and I didn't know it until yesterday. This is my life...right now. Not 3 years down the road when I get out of school. Not 5 years when I get a real job and make real money. Not even next semester or next summer when I can start planning stuff. NO. Life. MY life is happening right now and I am missing most of it because I am planning for a future life. I am letting days and experiences slip by because I am discontent with today because it doesn't look like tomorrow. 



For so long I let myself be bogged down by the past and now I am allowing the future to do the same. Christ died to give me freedom, yet I have been willingly been rushing back into bondage the first chance I get. Well no more! This is the end of the pity party. I am done with empty and ridiculously high expectations, both for myself and the future. I am trusting God to handle the future because He already has. I am letting go of my pride and need for perfection because I will never get there. And surprisingly that is a revealing thought. God doesn't need me to be perfect or have my life together. He wants my surrendered heart and for me to trust and depend on Him for all things. 

So hello world! Today is a new day!